Right Here

"Be where you are, not where you think you should be".

This, right here, in life. . . this is exactly where I want to be. This past year has been the most difficult for me, personally and professionally. I have made a lot of changes in my personal life and in my educational life. And I am so happy! It has been a year full of struggles and it continues to be, but it is so beautiful. I love where I am at in my life. I couldn't ask for anything better. I am sooo blessed! I try to put my expectations of where I think I should be at in life right now, behind me. My hope each day is to only expect that I am present and in the moment, instead of just getting through the day. I am engaged in my life and I am learning to embrace all of the good, with the bad. Things are far from perfect yet, they are so perfect. I have faced trials that have challenged every single part of me. My logic, my emotions, my body, my brain, my values, my relationships, my fears, my failures, my triumphs. . . they have all been challenged. Changing and evolving is a struggle, but it is such a beautiful struggle.

Daily Basis

I have to tell this to myself on a daily basis. It's going to be okay. Right? Yes. Right?

I'm really not joking. . . everyday this phrase enters my mind. Right now in my life there isn't a minute that goes by where I am "stress-free". Things are just crazy. So many crazy changes are happening in my academic life and my personal life. It's good though. My life is evolving and changing. . . and that's life isn't it? There is something beautiful about striving and struggling at the same time. Life is difficult right now, but it's a good kind of difficult. I am making changes and working towards the life I want, and while it is no doubt the hardest thing I have ever done, it is a wonderful journey.

Thursday Thought

August! Can you believe it? Summer always flies by but this one, holy cow! I hope everyone is enjoying summer. It sure has been a crazy one! Just wanted to share this picture. . . 

I love this picture for sooo many reasons! Letting go, forgiving, and turning over problems that I just can't solve to a higher power. I think it's something that we, as humans have a difficult time with. Some (cough, myself, cough) have a tougher time than others with this concept. It's just a great reminder that our Heavenly Father is right there waiting for us to hand it over to him. . . and might I add, letting go is a scary feeling, for me anyway. Coming from a control freak, I know that letting go feels really out of control. . . but I just have to remember to trust what I know; and I know that prayer works and I always have somewhere to turn to "talk it out". It always feels like once you let go that everything will fall apart, but it won't, because the big man upstairs always has your back!

Enjoy summer. . . blog to you soon!

It's "okay".

Everything won't be okay. . .but YOU will be!

Working all weekend is never fun. Saturday was pretty calm, Sunday was crazy busy. Car accident after car accident, chest pains rolling in, drug overdoses, drunk people (my favorite-not!), attempted suicides, babies with rsv, I could go on and on. Sunday we saw it all. It wasn't necessarily a bad day, just a busy one. As my patient was sleeping (love it when they do that!), I was thinking about how many people I've seen at their worst, at the lowest low of their life. With the job that I do, I see a lot of people at their worst. I've seen a lot of people "broken" and hopeless.

Then as I tuned out the beeping monitors and chaos around me I started to think about my own life and how many times I've felt hopeless. Whether it's for a day, a week, a month, whatever. We've all felt hopeless at times for whatever the reason. Feeling hopeless is different than feeling discouraged. Feeling hopeless is falling down but thinking that everything will be okay and just when you start to get up again, life kicks you down once more. Or the unimaginable happens, like a bad dream but it's not a dream and you wonder  how to go on with a happy heart. And this continues on for so long, and then you start to question whether everything really will be okay. You like to believe it will but you weigh reality into the equation and the outcome starts to look like maybe everything won't be okay. -That's feeling hopeless. It's a terrible feeling!

I know I still have a lot of life experiences to experience. In my 20 years, I've seen and experienced quite a bit. A concept that has been difficult for me to accept and something that I have come to realize in the past month is that everything probably won't be okay. That's right you heard me, everything won't be okay. But YOU will be okay. Bad things will happen. Unimaginable things will happen and it will never be okay. But you will make it through and you will be okay. I still have a lot to learn but I do know that it's okay to say that everything isn't okay, but you must know that you will be okay. It's okay to feel hopeless at the end of the day, what matters is waking up the next day and trying. It's okay to face the bad things in life and let them be apart of you instead of pushing them away. When I started typing this ah-ha moment it all makes sense and I think it's such a simple idea but actually doing it in life, isn't so simple. . . or maybe this is just news to me and all of you readers already have figured this out (I am a little slow). Nevertheless, I think its something we can all work on. . . embracing the good and the bad, admitting that it isn't okay but you are.

The bad things that happen to all of us will never be okay, but if we embrace them (hard thing to do), we will soon learn that we will be okay!

And that my friends, is my new life goal!

The Fork in the Road

I would like to say that pretty much always, the right path is never the easiest one.

I think there becomes a point in one's life where one finds the gap between who they are becoming and who they want to become and it stops being easy to ignore. For some, this point is small and maybe only takes a few minor changes and for others it has to be life changing, painful, long, but worth it. I think that evaluating our life is necessary. I also think that there is a fine line between wanting to change but at the same time, being comfortable with who you are.

Maybe because it's January, 'tis the season to make 'new year resolutions', or maybe it's because I've reached a fork in my life and instead of standing in the middle of the intersection wondering which way to go, it's time to pick the path and not look back.

So I will be periodically be blogging about deep, awkward, life changing matters throughout 2012. I could get really specific and blog on and on about my life and the challenges that I face. But let's be real here, who really would want to read that? I wouldn't. But I also want to blog about something that matters instead of the complete nonsense I usually ramble on about (there will still be plenty of rambling nonsense, no worries). So I'm not going to completely bare my heart and soul to the world wide web and I'm not going to say EVERYTHING that I'm thinking and feeling (heaven forbid), but I will be blogging about a new journey that I may or may not be actually experiencing! ;)

I hope this doesn't chase you away from my blog! Don't be afraid lil' muffins!